Crash Bandicoot: The Best Quotes By Neo Cortex

As charismatic as Crash Bandicoot is, his iconic series of video games wouldn’t be so successful if it wasn’t for his arch-nemesis: Doctor Neo Cortex. This evil scientist is as eccentric as he is witty, and he’s pretty much responsible for every single comedic moment in the franchise.

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By  Jason Wojnar

The different writers that have worked on the Crash Bandicoot games have always managed to make Cortex the standout of each title. Whether he’s voiced by Clancy Brown or Lex Lang, he always delivers some really witty and memorable lines that have remained in the collective memory of the fan base for many years. These are his best ones yet.

10 "Now, When The Flag Lowers, Everyone, Hit Reverse!" (Tag Team Racing)

Trying To Be Mischievous In The Middle Of A Race

Even though Crash Tag Team Racing is usually considered one of the weakest kart racing games in the series, it is undeniable that it has a solid sense of humor, and this line that Cortex says before the beginning of a race is the perfect example of it.

Cortex will occasionally say this in order to try and “trick” his opponents into going the opposite way. Of course, this never works for gameplay reasons, but the fact that he tries to do it anyway can certainly be appreciated. After all, he’s a bad guy and a cheater at heart, so it’s really funny that he even tries to pull this off in a competition.

9 “You Can't Replace Me. My Name's On The Stationery!” (Crash Of The Titans)

Showing Uka Uka Who’s The Real Main Villain

Crash of the Titans is quite a divisive game among fans, but the comedy of its cutscenes definitely didn’t disappoint. After the first boss battle, Uka Uka announces his plans to replace Cortex with his own niece, Nina. Neo rejects this proposal by saying this iconic line while showing off said stationery.

The fact that Cortex equates his villainous acts with something as mundane as an office job is really humorous in and of itself, but the quote is made even funnier by N. Gin’s response: "That's right, tough guy! Unless you want to buy all new stationery, you respect the master!".

8 "Crash Bandicoot, My Old Nemesis. How The Heck Are You? Still Gathering Crystals? Old Habits Die Hard, Don't They?" (Wrath Of Cortex)

He’s Always Willing To Make Fun Of The Franchise’s Repetitiveness

Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex was the original fourth game in the franchise, and, at the time, it was negatively received by fans who felt the formula was already getting stale and repetitive. It seems the writers were somewhat aware of this, because they included this unexpected line from Cortex at the very beginning of the adventure.

Not only is he making fun of both Crash and the game itself with this quote, but his delivery of a phrase as egregious as “How the heck are you?” In such a calm tone is really amusing. Lastly, this is where Cortex ALSO introduces Crunch Bandicoot, the new big bad of this game, with his very next line.

7 “I Need To Stop Him From Making You, But I Can't Kill Him Because That Would Kill Me, So I Guess That Means I Have To Kill You!” (It’s About Time)

Laying Out His Master Plan With One Confusing Sentence

It’s not uncommon for Neo Cortex to constantly change his affiliations with Crash and Coco, and the most recent mainline release in the series, Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time, was no exception. After betraying the good guys once again, Cortex travels to the past and tries to erase Crash’s existence from history.

He obviously couldn’t kill his own past self in order to prevent Crash’s birth, or else he would disappear as well. So the logical conclusion was to just normally defeat his nemesis in the past. The fact that such a convoluted plan ended up having such a simplistic solution is hilarious, and Cortex’s goofy explanation right before this fight made the moment even more memorable.

6 "I'm An Evil Scientist, What Did You Expect? This Isn't A Game.” (Twinsanity)

One Of The Biggest Fourth Wall Breaks In The Series

This entire list could be filled with quotes from Crash: Twinsanity - the game in which Neo Cortex is arguably at his most humorous – and this fan-favorite line is one of many examples. When Crash and Cortex initially meet Farmer Ernest, it seemed like he was going to give them the typical cliché side quest from a platformer NPC.

However, instead of agreeing to help him out, Cortex flat-out shoots Ernest and says this while looking directly at the camera. Even though Crash forces him to do the mission anyway, the fact that Cortex did this to an innocent NPC demonstrates that he was never meant to be a traditional video game protagonist, and fans love him for that.

5 “Oh That? I Just Thought It Would Be Mean. Seriously, You're Never Going To Be Able To Eat Cake Again. Imagine That... Life Without Cake!” (Mind Over Mutant)

Cortex Got His Devious Payback Against Uka-Uka

Similarly to its predecessor, Crash: Mind Over Mutant is yet another divisive game that most fans will agree has an impeccable sense of humor. This can be seen in every single one of its cutscenes, which all have different styles of animation, but this one, with a style reminiscent of South Park, is definitely one of the biggest standouts.

In this game, Cortex captures Uka-Uka and steals his Mojo in order to power up his new invention, the NV, but the evil mask noticed that Cortex was also force-feeding him cake for no reason. When he asked the doctor for an explanation, this is what he said in response. It’s an unexpectedly hilarious quote, and it's possibly one of his most irredeemably evil moments. Making someone hate cake forever is truly despicable.

4 "I've Ruined The Lives Of So Many; I Can't Be Expected To Remember Them All...” (Twinsanity)

An Evil Scientist Always Makes A Lot Of Enemies

When the main antagonists Crash: Twinsanity, the Evil Twins, introduce themselves, they claim that Neo Cortex should remember them. After they’re gone, Aku-Aku and Uka-Uka ask for an explanation, and Cortex says this witty line in response. Not only is it very amusing, but he’s also not wrong.

Doctor Cortex is a world-renowned evil scientist who has inevitably made a lot of enemies throughout his career. He’s so incredibly villainous that he can’t even be bothered to remember every single person whose life he's ruined, not even when it’s the two pet parrots that he experimented on back when he was a kid.

3 "The Check Bounced? Are You Sure? Well, The Past Few Years Have Kind Of Been Slow. Wrath Of Cortex Didn't Do As Well As We'd Hoped“ (Twinsanity)

The Failure Of The Previous Game Was Turned Into A Clever Punchline

In one of the most iconic and beloved moments in Crash: Twinsanity, Cortex can be found negotiating with some of his penguin minions, who seem to be demanding their pay. The doctor responds with this clever line that not only confirms that he pays his minions with regular bank checks, but also acknowledges the negative reception of the previous game in a mind-blowing fourth wall break.

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As previously stated, Wrath of Cortex was nowhere near as successful as the classic PS1 trilogy, and it was the moment at which most fans began to distance themselves from the franchise. This hilarious line is a tongue-in-cheek reference to that, and it even implies that Cortex’s economy is somehow affected by the sales of the video games he’s in.

2 "Defeated Again! This Is Not Fair! Maybe I Should Retire To A Nice, Big Beach With A Nice, Big Drink. And A Woman With Nice, Big... Bags Of Ice For My Head..." (Warped)

Cortex Almost Makes An Unexpected Dirty Joke

After being defeated twice in the first two games, it seemed that everything was going well for Neo Cortex in the third entry in the series, Crash Bandicoot: Warped. He allied himself with the powerful Uka-Uka, N. Tropy gave him access to a brand-new time machine, and he even had some really strong mutants who served as bosses.

Nevertheless, he is ultimately stopped by Crash Bandicoot, and this is what he says right after their final encounter. Cortex’s defeated attitude makes this line very humorous, but the unexpected fake out of a possible adult joke in this children’s game turned this into one of his most memorable moments in the entire Crash Bandicoot franchise. He was definitely going to need those bags of ice anyway.

1 "Crash, I've Been Like A Father To You! I Created You, Nursed You... Uh... Tried To Destroy You. So, What Do You Say? With My Mighty Intellect, And Your Vacuous Stupidity, We'll Be Unbeatable!" (Twinsanity)

Encapsulates His Relationship With Crash To A Tee

The relationship between Crash and Cortex is a bit rocky, to say the least. They definitely loathe each other, but they can occasionally join forces for the greater good, with Crash: Twinsanity being the most well-known example. When they officially decide to make an alliance, Cortex drops what is possibly one of the funniest yet most honest lines in the entire series.

Oddly enough, he’s 100% correct. He did create Crash, after all, so it could be said that he’s sort of a father figure to the naïve bandicoot. Yet even in this situation, he can’t help but be egotistical and insulting towards him, something that Crash completely ignores in favor of their new alliance. This entire quote and interaction perfectly describes why these two characters are so beloved and timeless.

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